How to get hired as a hospice Chaplain ...

How to get hired as a hospice Chaplain ... Recently, we have interviewed for a couple of PRN Chaplains. This experience reinforces what I am about to write. There are ways that you will get an interview and ways to interview that will at least get you a second look and even make you a finalist and, further, get you hired. 1. When you respond to a posting for a Chaplain position, be sure to complete the application in as detailed a manner as possible. 2. When you send in a resume, the following are absolute MUSTS:  Choose a format. Word for Windows has several.  Be detailed. Dates and where you worked previously are necessary.  Why you left the position is helpful. We understand if you were to say, “It was not a good fit.”  I prefer a list of at least 3 references.  Since this is hospice chaplaincy, a cover letter that explains your calling to chaplaincy, your experience in chaplaincy, the reason you want to work at a hospice, if you are moving from another venue of chaplaincy to hospice tell us why. If you cannot clearly state a sense of calling, that may be a red flag. 3. Should you be selected for a face to face interview, please follow these guidelines:  Have an ‘elevate’ speech detailing who you are. It should take 3 minutes.  When answering questions take a moment to reflect on what you are about to say, then say it. The way you respond to a difficult question will give us some insight into how you will respond to a difficult situation in a hospice pastoral care scenario.  Give real life anecdotes to illustrate your points.  Do NOT ever use racial, ethnic, or gender slurs. That will immediately disqualify you even though the interview may proceed.  Smile … appear relaxed. Again, this will let us know how you will respond in a pastoral care scenario. 4. After the interview, send a “Thank you” email. That will let us know that you have manners and are professional in your business dealings. After all, no one owes you an interview. 5. If you are invited for a second interview, we are looking for even more of a professional manner of response. We are looking for further clarity on issues. It could be that there are one or two matters that are unsettled in our minds and we are looking to you for more information. 6. And, finally, throughout the process we are looking for someone polished, gracious, professional, and skillful. And, if you follow the above, you have a great chance of getting a chaplaincy career position. If you have any questions about resume writing, cover letter writing, or guidance in how to interview, please contact me at rbehers@cshospice.org.

Self-care: My own quest

It is rare that I will write something about myself, but I thought today would be a good day to do it. As you know, I am a huge believer in self-care. I try to keep it simple and understandable, but also, real. I've read and I'm sure you have read many articles about self-care that give complex and complicated directives about taking care of yourself. I prefer something a bit more simple: eat right, excercise, pray, worship with others at your faith community, get the rest you need, enjoy your relationships, take nothing and no one for granted, express appreciation, be positive, serve others. These are just a few priorities that keep my life centered. With that said, I want to share with you my ever present goal ... to run and finish my first, ever 5K. Cornerstone Hospice is hosting a Vets and Pets 5K Run/Walk on November 22. If you are interested in this event please visit: www.signmeup.co​m/100962 The fact is I've never run a 5K. I have been working up toward this and think I can get it done. What are you attempting that you've never done? Let's share our hopes and ambitions for self-care. It will make us better Chaplains!

Invitation to our International Guests

Since we are hosting quite a high number of international guests to Embraced By The Heart of Hospice, please email me or leave a comment to inform me on topics of particular interest to you and your work. This blog was created to enhance the work of chaplaincy across the world. It seems to be attracting a great audience. Thank you for visiting. Let's develop a great relationship!

Getting Through the Holidays

As we are headed for the holidays, many families and caregivers will the pain of the loss of their loved one. There will be one less chair at the table. Emotions will be frayed. The holidays have the potential for emotional setbacks. Sue Wintz, Editor of PlainViews, gives practical thoughts on Getting Through the Holidays… Getting Through the Holidays: What About Spiritual Distress? By Sue Wintz Any holiday can be a difficult one for a variety of populations, and this season of the year with so many holidays happening close to each other can be especially so. • For those who are grieving, This Emotional Life on PBS.org has an article written by those who are bereaved; the MISS Foundation has a page devoted to "Transforming the Holidays and Holidaze" with articles and suggestions. • Cancercare provides information for family caregivers of those living with cancer on how to cope and adjust one’s expectations during holidays and special occasions. • The Alzheimer’s Association provides downloadable holiday tips for caregivers while ElderCare Link has "10 Tips for Coping with Caregiver Blues During the Holidays." • Discovery Health’s mental health section focuses on "How to Get Through The Holidays Stress-Free With Your Family." • Social Work Today has a 2011 archived article, "Divorce and the Holidays – Putting Children First," while PRWeb has "5 Tips for Surviving the Holidays When Going Through a Divorce." • Keeping You Well provides advice for diabetics, and WebMD offers tips on those who are seeking weight loss. Of course there are many more sites, and many more populations that would likely benefit from a quick, practical checklist of ways to manage the emotions that arise during the holiday season. But while they all hint at ways to find new ways to prepare for and endure the holiday season, I found little that specifically addressed the spiritual issues that arise. For example: • How does one who is grieving find a sense of meaning when joyful holiday songs are being played everywhere they go? • How does someone whose holiday ritual is attending religious services cope when they are hospitalized and unable to participate? • When diagnosed with a life-threatening or terminal illness, what are ways that person and their loved ones confront and discuss the fact that it might be their last holiday season? • What ways can caregivers of dementia patients who are wrestling with the memories of how their loved ones used to be before their illness seek hope in the present reality? As chaplains and health care providers, what are the ways that we manage these situations that often reveal deep spiritual distress? Do we simply hand out “Making It Through The Holidays” lists that others have prepared, or do we create ones that directly address the spiritual needs that occur? As the holidays approach, this is a project that can be valuable to chaplaincy practice and how departments prepare for a clear and specific way of providing care to those who are in their setting. What list would you create?

5 Barriers to Effective Communication

A key element to productive, healthy interpersonal relationships is communication. Communication encompasses both listening and speaking. Someone wisely said, “God gave us two ears and one mouth.” Learning to listen is one of the greatest challenges we will face in our work as Clinical Chaplains. Learning what to say is a close second. This chapter is designed to be interactive, as well as, informative. Let’s tackle listening first. Through my days in CPE I was taught much about listening… active listening and interactive listening. Distinguishing between them was not particularly difficult. What was difficult was clearing my mind so I could hear what was being said. What are some barriers to listening? Michael Webb presents “Eight Barriers to Effective Listening”. We will look at five of these barriers: 1. Knowing the Answer--"Knowing the answer" means that you think you already know what the speaker wants to say, before she actually finishes saying it. You might then impatiently cut her off or try to complete the sentence for her. Can you imagine the reaction of a spouse suffering with anticipatory grief who has longed to unpack painful feelings only to be cut off? Pastoral care will suffer greatly. 2. Trying to be Helpful--Although trying to be helpful may seem beneficial, it interferes with listening because the listener is thinking about how to solve what he perceives to be the speaker's problem. Consequently, he misses what the speaker is actually saying. One of the primary purposes of active listening is to discern the “question behind the question” or the “pain behind the statement”. A Chaplain cannot discern anything if he/she is trying to come up with a solution to a perceived problem. 3. Treating discussion as competition—Have you been in a conversation (apart from your work) and spoke about a time of illness or surgery? You were trying to make a point, but the other person interrupted and shared their story. It appeared they were playing a game of ‘one-upmanship’. You said one thing and they were going to see your story and up the ante by telling you theirs. The point you were trying to make got totally lost. You were left wondering why you even brought it up. We are not in competition with our patients. Hospice Chaplaincy is about the patient and family, not about us. We go in to the patient with a blank slate and let them fill it in. 4. Trying to influence or impress--Because good listening depends on listening to understand, any ulterior motive will diminish the effectiveness of the listener. Examples of ulterior motives are trying to impress or to influence the speaker. A Chaplain who has an agenda other than simply to understand what the patient is thinking and feeling will not be able to pay complete attention while listening. Since one of the goals a Chaplain has in a pastoral encounter is to be ‘present’ with the patient, letting the mind wander trying to come up with a cogent come-back destroys the essence of listening. 5. Reacting to ‘red flag’ words—One of the key differences between a Chaplain and a parish Pastor should be/needs to be found at this point. We, as Chaplains, are not the keepers of the faith. We are not called to correct, but to support. When a Wiccan speaks of “Sunnyland”, we don’t react. When a Buddhist says, “We do not believe that this world is created and ruled by a God," we don’t’ react. When a Muslim expounds the Five Pillars, we don’t react. When a Catholic or Presbyterian or Methodist or Baptist or Episcopalian patient shares their view of the after-life and it differs with your beliefs, the Chaplain does not react. The Clinical Chaplain recognizes that the journey of the patient is his or her own journey. The patient’s belief system is just that… the patient’s belief system. Our agenda is simple… to serve the patient. The Clinical Chaplain does not suffer from religious counter-transference which fills the pastoral encounter with the Chaplain’s own anxiety. How does a Chaplain keep from stumbling over the barriers to effective communication? In short, the Clinical Chaplain is self-aware. If the Chaplain struggles with ego issues, he/she might fall prey to “trying to influence or impress”. If the Chaplain struggles with insecurity, he/she might fall prey to “reacting to red flag words”. If the Chaplain struggles with a competitive personality, he/she might fall prey to “treating discussion as competition.” Getting oneself out of the way so that listening becomes a reality is every Clinical Chaplain’s challenge. I was taught an analogy in CPE called “The Window.” This lesson provided a simple means to evaluate myself and where I was emotionally. I used this simple tool prior to the work day and, in some cases, prior to spiritual care visits. I hope you find it useful, too. The Window The Window is an analogy designed to provide insight into our feelings/emotional state. Let’s examine the parts of a window. There are window panes, one of which can be raised and lowered. Have you noticed that the windows in your house often attract smudges? The same thing happens with our emotions. We take on smudges when we have an argument with our spouse, when finances cause stress, when our children have problems, when someone criticizes us, when someone is rude to us, when another driver cuts us off or flips us off. Each day our Window gets smudged. As we can’t see clearly through a glass window, a smudged personal Window prevents us from “seeing” what a patient is saying. Look at your personal Window. What smudges are on it? Clean them off. How? You have options. Use them. Not to have a clean Window means you carry into every pastoral encounter a distracted presence. You can’t “see” what the patient is saying. You’re distracted. Your insight is blurred by the “stuff” of your own life. An effective Clinical Chaplain self-assesses so that his/her visits are devoid of “stuff”. In addition to the smudges, is your Window up or down? Just as an ‘up’ window at home allows a free flow of air, an ‘up’ Window allows a free flow of ideas and communication. As a ‘down’ window at home limits air flow, a ‘down’ Window limits communication. What will cause a ‘down’ Window? Such things as intolerance of others’ belief systems, hidden anger toward other religious systems, bitterness at life or God or someone else, and any other dysfunction that remains unhealed. So, check your Window before you attempt a pastoral encounter. The beneficiary of your self-assessment will be the patient, as well as, yourself. I emphasize, communication is the key that unlocks the door to deep and meaningful pastoral encounters. Becoming a skilled communicator takes work and a growing understanding of the field of communication.

Conflict ... Part Two

What are the issues behind conflict? •A conflict is more than just a disagreement. It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive a threat (whether or not the threat is real). •Conflicts continue to fester when ignored. Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them. •We respond to conflicts based on our perceptions of the situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs. •Conflicts trigger strong emotions. If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully. •Conflicts are an opportunity for growth. When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements. I have observed that most people do not like the pain of conflict. But, who is responsible for attempting to resolve the conflict? Pride often gets in the way of conflict resolution. The picture that comes to mind is of two people with arms crossed separated from each other by more than just several feet. They are separated emotionally. They glance at one another hoping the other would offer an olive branch. However, neither does and the conflict deepens until at some point what initiated the conflict is no longer even remembered. This cannot happen in a work environment. If a Chaplain is in conflict with a co-worker, there are expectations the co-worker has of him or her. There is the expectation that because the Chaplain is a minister that a minister will be the first to attempt resolution. Right or wrong, that is the perception. People have great expectations of ministers, don’t they? Unfair? Perhaps, but that is the general feeling among non-ministers. There are values that ministers share: Love for people; Desire to serve people; Passion for our work; We love to please others; We do not like conflict. While hardly an exhaustive list, these are part of a core set of ministerial values. I state this with the intention of presenting an approach to conflict resolution: The Win-Win Approach. The Win-Win Approach to Conflict Resolution Is the person with whom you are having conflict your opponent or your partner in the cause of hospice? The win-win approach says, “I want to win and I want you to win.” This statement is not easy to come to when in a high stakes conflict. However, if there is to be a win-win, then several things must be present in your demeanor: •Self-awareness/Emotional Intelligence—What emotional baggage am I influenced by in this conflict? Is there unresolved conflict that is influencing my emotions? Is there other ‘stuff’ influencing me at this moment? •Needs—What are my needs in this conflict? Must I win at all cost? Do I own any of this conflict or am I a victim of the other person’s need for power and control over me? Your answer to that question will determine if you really want a win-win or win-lose outcome. •Big picture—What is the bigger picture? Am I and my need to win this conflict bigger than the bigger picture? The answer to that will determine if conflict resolution is even possible. What are the needs of the person with whom I am in conflict? Have I considered his or her needs? It’s a good thing to do if you desire a win-win outcome. •Target of attack—In approaching conflict, the target is key. Recently, I came upon a prosecuting attorney who told me that before each trial, she had to develop a hatred for the accused in order to be convincing to the jury. I found that odd as this person described herself as a deeply devoted Christian. However, when there is a conflict, those involved seem to take a similar posture. Hopefully, they don’t hate each other, but certainly there is enough personal attack to go around. The win-win approach has as its target the problem, not the person. “Solve the problem at hand, salvage the relationship if at all possible” is the motive behind the win-win approach. There are other approaches to conflict resolution, but the win-win approach seems to fit the focus of this study. Humility, ownership of responsibility, and integrity on the part of the Chaplain will go a long way to resolving conflict. Does this suggest a “happily ever after” outcome? Absolutely not! There are situations when a conflict has deteriorated a relationship to the point that a working relationship is no longer possible and one of two options exist: re-assignment or resignation. Re-assignment brings relief, albeit, temporary relief because there will be new people and new conflicts. The key benefit of re-assignment is that is gives time for healing and rekindling of passion to succeed in the work of chaplaincy, and it also brings the sense of reality in that there is an awareness that no one can go from one re-assignment to another to another. That type of thing leads to the belief that conflict resides with the person re-assigned. Resignation ends the relationship permanently with no hope of resolution. This is a last resort measure. Resignation fosters the following: victim mentality, self-righteousness, avoidance of responsibility, future problems with relationships, let alone unemployment. No, resignation is not the best solution. If you are in a conflict, seek resolution. The work of the hospice Chaplain is too important to have the anchor of unresolved conflict pulling it down. Conflict drains you of necessary emotional energy. If you can’t resolve it, seek assistance from your manager or HR representative. Whatever you do, do not build a cadre of supporters who will choose up sides. That is unprofessional and simply wrong. Carry yourself as the minister you are and keep your reputation unsullied.

Conflict and How to Deal With It ... Part One

It is inevitable that you will experience conflict with someone close to you. Conflict happens at home with your spouse, your children, in-laws, or other family members. At work you might lock horns with a manager, colleague, and, perhaps, a patient or family member. The purpose of these posts is to explore conflict and suggest means to resolve it. Part One is about the basics of conflicts. I am sure you will identify with much of what is written. Conflict arises from differences, both large and small. It occurs whenever people disagree over their values, motivations, perceptions, ideas, or desires. Sometimes these differences appear trivial, but when a conflict triggers strong feelings, a deep personal need is often at the core of the problem. These needs can be a need to feel safe and secure, a need to feel respected and valued, or a need for greater closeness and intimacy. The culture of 2014 is filled with tension and fear. People today fear failure, losing their job, and societal issues (such as, healthcare or lack thereof; the economy; terrorism). Your colleagues come to work every day carrying emotional baggage from any number of sources. Perhaps it was an argument with a spouse or teenaged child, or awareness that their personal finances are not doing well, or a concern that their car might not make it through the day and repairs are unaffordable, or from some other stressor. They are emotionally vulnerable. It would not take much to push them over the edge. You’ve noticed they are distant or at least not like themselves. Their words are few, their sentences short. They don’t make eye contact much if at all. When they talk about the company it is negative. Nothing is good. It is all bad. Their perception is that no one cares about them. And, then, it happens. The wrong thing is said or something is said with a tone that conveys a harsh message. Their defenses shred. And, they react. A conflict is birthed. Part Two will focus on the issues involved in conflict and an approach that hopefully will result in a win-win resolution.